Irish's Restaurant
by Irish Nobody
Summary: Alice's Restaurant" with a Labyrinthian twist


Irish's Restaurant.  
  
-This is just a little humorous thing-gummy I wrote since I'm too lazy to finish Chapter the Sixth to my other fanfic properly (that being "Split Apart"), so I wrote this instead. You'll notice it has two chapters, the second chapter has the actual lyrics to "Alice's Restaurant" on which this story is a spoof of. Oh yeah, original "Alice's Restaurant" was by the venerable Arlo Guthrie. There ARE original lyrics in this piece, I DO NOT claim any credit for them. They were written by Arlo Gurthrie. I just wanted to spoof it.-  
  
It's a good evening at Goblin Café and Lounge, not too hot, not too cold. The atmosphere is pleasant and a low murmur comes from the patrons. Sarah, Jareth, Irish, Sam, Fred, and Chremslied are all sitting at their usual table having a good conversation. It being open mike night, that is, the night of open mike, the friends decided that one of them should sing a song. After much cadoodleing and cajoling, the friends convinced Chremslied to get up and play a little something. So, Chremslied got up, pulled an acoustic guitar out of the air, waited for the patrons to quite down and began his song. This being the song that he sang:  
  
"This song is called Irish's Restaurant, and it's about Irish, and the restaurant, but Irish's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant, that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Irish's Restaurant.  
  
You can get anything you want at Irish's Restaurant You can get anything you want at Irish's Restaurant Walk right in it's around the back Just half a mile off the beaten track You can get anything you want at Irish's Restaurant  
  
Now it all started two Moxomies ago, was on - two years ago on Moxomies, when my friends and I went up to visit Irish at the restaurant, but Irish doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives Aboveground, but when she's Underground she stays at the Castle Beyond the Goblin City with Sarah and Jareth, and Merlin the dog. And livin' in the Castle like that, they got a lot of rooms where no one is staying. Havin' all that room, seein' as how just the three of them stay there on a permanent basis, they decided that they didn't have to clean up the smelly goblin mess for a long time.  
  
We got up there, we found all the smelly goblin mess there, and we decided it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the smelly goblin mess to the Junk Yard. So we took the half a ton of smelly goblin mess, put it in the back of a little red wagon, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the Junk Yard.  
  
Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across the Junk Yard saying, "Closed on Moxomies." And we had never heard of the Junk Yard being closed on Moxomies before, in fact we had never heard of the Junk Yard ever being closed before as the Junk People always liked adding piles of junk on their backs, and with tears in our eyes we drove off into the sunset looking for another place to put the smelly goblin mess.  
  
We didn't find one. Until we came to another corner of the Labyrinth, and off the other corner of the Labyrinth there was a smelly reservoir running toward the Bog of Eternal Stench. And we decide that one big place of smelly goblin stuff was better than a smelly reservoir running into the Bog of Eternal Stench and a little pile of smelly goblin stuff somewhere else, and rather than move the reservoir to some other part of the Labyrinth we decided to throw our smelly goblin trash in the smelly reservoir.  
  
That's what we did, and quested back to the Castle, had a Moxomies dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a call via crystal ball from Sir Didymus. He said, "Chrem, we found your name on a piece of parchment at the bottom of a half a ton of smelly goblin mess, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And I said, "Yes, sir, Sir Didymus, I cannot tell a lie, I put that piece of parchment under that smelly goblin mess."  
  
After speaking to Sir Didymus for about forty-five minutes via crystal ball we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down and pick up the smelly goblin mess, and also had to go down and speak to him at the site of What-Used-To-Be-The-Only-Bridge-Across-The-Bog-of- Eternal-Stench. So we got the little red wagon with the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the site of What-Used-To- Be-The-Only-Bridge-Across-The-Bog-of-Eternal-Stench.  
  
Now friends, there was only one or two things that Sir Didymus coulda done at the site of What-Used-To-Be-The-Only-Bridge-Across-The-Bog-of-Eternal- Stench, and the first was he could have knighted us and named us brothers so "henceforth we could fight for the right as one!" for being so brave and honest via the crystal ball conversation, which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have chastised us and told us never to be seen with a little red wagon with a ton of smelly goblin mess around the vicinity again and call us all cowards, which is what we expected, but when we got to the site of What-Used-To-Be-The-Only- Bridge-Across-The-Bog-of-Eternal-Stench there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was all three (remember I'm with my friends, the friends that I'm with being Sam and Fred) immediately arrested. Hog tied. And I said, "Sir Didymus, I don't think I can pick up the smelly goblin mess when I'm hog tied in such a fashion." He said, "Thou must be quiet, Chrem. Get upon Ambrosias." Of which Ambrosias was not too keen.  
  
And that's what we did, sat on the back of Ambrosias, who was definitely not too keen, and rode to the quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want to tell you about the Labyrinth, where it happened here, they have no stop signs, one keeper of the peace, and one Noble Steed, but when we got to the Scene of the Crime there was five goblins acting as keepers of the piece and three Fieries volunteering to be Noble Steeds, being the biggest crime of the last fifty minutes, and everybody wanted to get in what would become the Legendary Tale about it. And they was using up all kinds of keeper of the peace equipment that they had found lying around deserted parts of the Labyrinth. They was taking plaster wagon wheel ruts, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and they painted twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossified landscapes on vellum in oil with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. Took paintings of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to mention the pigeon eye view from above.  
  
After the ordeal, we went back to the site of What-Used-To-Be-The-Only- Bridge-Across-The-Bog-of-Eternal-Stench. Sir Didymus said he was going to put us in an obliette. Said, "Chrem, I'm going to put you in the obliette, I want your gloves and your belt." And I said, "Sir Didymus, I can understand you wanting my gloves so that I don't have anything to bribe the Helping Hands with to get out of the obliette, but what do you want my belt for?" And he said, "Chrem, we would hate it if you hung yourself." I said, "Sir Didymus, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?" Sir Didymus said he was making sure, and friends Sir Didymus was, cause he took out the chamber pot so I couldn't drown myself in the questionable fluids inside, and he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't lift the grate and lasso out the - lasso out the toilet paper up the shaft and have an escape. Sir Didymus was making sure, and it was four or five hours later that Irish (remember Irish? It's a song about Irish), Irish came by and with a few choice words to Sir Didymus on the side, bailed us out of the obliette, and we went back to the Castle, had another Moxomies dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.  
  
We walked in, sat down, Sir Didymus came in with the twenty-seven eight-by- ten colour glossified landscapes on vellum in oil with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, sat down. Goblin came in said, "All rise." We all stood up, and Sir Didymus stood up with the twenty- seven eight-by-ten colour glossified landscapes on vellum in oil, and Mr. Worm crawled in sat down and offered everyone a nice cup of tea with the Missus. Sir Didymus looked at the smiling Mr. Worm who was offering every kind of hospitality, and then at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten colour glossified landscapes on vellum in oil with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the smiling Mr. Worm who was offering every hospitality. And then at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten colour glossified landscapes on vellum in oil with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry, 'cause Sir Didymus came to the realization that it was a typical case of Labyrinthian Jareth- manipulated justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and Mr. Worm wasn't going to pay attention to the twenty-seven eight-by-ten colour glossified landscapes on vellum in oil with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And we was fined fifty boxes of tea (and knowing that Mr. Worm and the Missus preferred Earl Grey brought them that) and had to pick up the smelly goblin mess in the snow, but that's no what I came to tell you about.  
  
Came to talk about my experience in being mistaken for a regular Labyrinthian subject, in short, they tried to draft me.  
  
They got a building down Goblin City, it's called Knickerboxer Street, where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected. I went down to give a goblin his lunch when he was getting a physical and decided to have one for my self, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt like an Average Joe faerie from Goblin City, man I wanted, I wanted to fell like the an -, I wanted to be an Average Joe faerie from Goblin City, and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I walked in and sat down and they gave me a piece of paper, said, "Kid (they didn't know me, somehow), see the psychiatrist, room 604."  
  
And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to cause mischief. I mean, I wanna, I wanna annoy. Annoy. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see spilt milk and burnt toast and the good shoes and silk dresses in my teeth. Eat the fresh baked apple pie. I mean annoy, Annoy, ANNOY, ANNOY." And I started jumpin' up and down yelling, "ANNOY, ANNOY," and he started jumpin' up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling, "ANNOY, ANNOY." (Which shows how mentally unstable goblin shrinks are). And the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, "You're our faerie."  
  
Didn't feel too good about it.  
  
Proceeded on down the hall getting' more injections, inspections, detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty ugly disgusting slimy things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no part untouched. I mean no part untouched. My mother doesn't know as much about my body. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to see the last goblin, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole humongous thing there, and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got one question. Have you ever been arrested?"  
  
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Irish's Restaurant Massacre, with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all the phenome. - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever go to court?"  
  
And I proceeded to tell hem the story of the twenty-seven eight-by-ten colour glossified landscapes on vellum in oil with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .. NOW kid!!"  
  
And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's where they put you if you may not be insane enough to join the Goblin Army after committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of sane witty intelligent looking faeries on the bench there. Morose Fireies. Philosophical Rock Elementals. Philosophical Fireies! Philosophical Fireies sitting right there on the bench next to me! And they was calm and witty and intelligent and sweet problem solving-type guys sitting on the bench next to me. And the calmest, wittiest, intellectual one, the calmest Philosophical Fiery of them all, was coming over to me and he was calm 'n' witty 'n' intelligent 'n' helpful and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said, "Kid, what did you get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to give fifty boxes of Earl Grey to Mr. Worm and the Missus and pick up a smelly goblin mess." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?" And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench there, and the terrified gazes and all kinds of horrified pitying things, till I said, "And being artistic." And they all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench, talkin' about he meanin' of life, the consistency of the economic polls, the differences between Mozart and Bach, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the bench. And everything was fine, we was playing blues and all kinds of things, until the Sergeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it up and said.  
  
"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-42-words-42-sentences-2-words-we-wanna- know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you- gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you- gotta-say," and shouted for forty-two minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had fun filling out the forms and playing with the writing utensils on the bench there, and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the writing utensil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the following words:  
  
("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")  
  
I went over to the sergeant, said, "Sergeant, you got a lot of dogern gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench 'cause you want to know if I'm crazy enough to join the Goblin Army, spill milk, lemonade, hot soup and fresh salad after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send your I.Q. off to the Great Goblin Library."  
  
And friends, somewhere in the Great Goblin Library enshrined in some little box, is a study in black and blue of my I. Q. And the only reason I'm singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if you're in a situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in say "Shrink, 'You can get anything you want, at Irish's Restaurant'." And walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both sane and they won't take either of them. And three people do it, three, and can you imagine, three people walking in singin' a bar of Irish's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an association. And can you can you imagine fifty people a day, I said fifty people a day walking in singin' a bar of Irish's Restaurant and walking out. And friends they may think it's a movement.  
  
And that's what it is, the Irish's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar.  
  
With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and sing it when it does. Here it comes.  
  
You can get anything you want, at Irish's Restaurant You can get anything you want, at Irish's Restaurant Walk right in it's around the back Just half a mile from the beaten track You can get anything you want, at Irish's Restaurant  
  
That was horrible. Jareth, I know for a fact you can sing better than that. Peoples if you want to end milk spillin' and stuff you got to sing loud. I've been singing this song now for twenty-five minutes, forty-two seconds, and seventeen milliseconds. I could sing it for another twenty- five minutes, forty-two seconds, and seventeen milliseconds. I'm not proud.or tired.  
  
So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part harmony and feeling.  
  
You too Jareth.  
  
And don't think I'm not including you Sarah.  
  
We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.  
  
All right now.  
  
You can get anything you want, at Irish's Restaurant  
  
Excepting Irish  
  
You can get anything you want, at Irish's Restaurant Walk right in it's around the back Just a half a mine from the beaten track You can get anything you want, at Irish's Restaurant  
  
Da da da da da da da dum At Irish's Restaurant 


End file.
